Why is it that every time I visit this city, the air suffocates me?
I try to speak the truth out loud to the world, to everyone, to the people who have done me wrong but I choke on my own words.
So there’s no justice for us? Us who are the victims of lust, desperation and betrayal?
I remember the scent of the monster because he used to be so close to me; we used to lie down together and I dreamt of our monstrous house with huge dogs and a garden and a porch and a little one by our side!
I shed my tears in silence.
Why is it that every time I visit this city, I see you everywhere I go?
The sound of his unusual steps still give me chills in the middle of the night yet I miss them, I keep waiting on hearing those steps again. Oh, please, dear please release me from this pain, take me with you to the land where my mind is free; take me where you had promised to be.
“You had left this city, so why come back?”
I’m here for the settlement of my emotional debt on him; I’m here to be legally free yet to be covered with his scent, his touch, his name, his everything for the rest of my life because I once was…I was his!
“I understand your pain; it’s better you left, you deserve more…”
I deserve better? I deserve someone to love me for who I am? I deserve someone who will not be intimidated by my personality, will respect me, will stand up for me, will fight, live and breathe for me?
“I know I’ve reached the peak of stupidity; I shouldn’t have said all that, you obviously know it already; anyways tell me how is Bombay?”
It’s new but it feels old, I’m surrounded by people but I feel alone.
“Sorry! But do you miss him?”
Not sure which him. The caring one, the abusive one, the manipulative one, the liar one, the lustful one or the one which was my illusion! I miss something, I miss the broken dreams and dishes and promises! You know I had plans? Plans with the monster; I used to stack his selves with my belongings; I did it time and again and I removed them myself…
“Hold on there, don’t cry dear, I’m here, there there”
They don’t stop, even after a year, even when it’s the same would again and again; I was in Love, it was love.
“Do you want him back?”
“Then why are you here?”
Because he doesn’t exist. The one I loved, the one I’ve ever wanted, the one I’ve given my heart and soul to, doesn’t exist. It’s all an illusion. Why are you here? Why are you consoling me? What do you want? What’s your ulterior motive?
“Perhaps I’m an illusion too; I live in your head”
You can’t be there because you cannot keep up. Can you? Can you keep up with the storm in my head?
“Just think of it as a beginning, a beginning of a new end.”